I look at the pictures. I see their beautiful faces beaming back, the sun lightly touching their skin, and an indescribable joy radiating from their smiles. I see the green green background, and the red red dirt. I can see it all, but I can touch, none of it. I can hold, none of it. But I can love, all of it.
I miss Africa. Okay that is an understatement. I am totally and completely homesick for Africa, a place that has never actually been my home. Every night as I lay in bed and my gaze wanders to my far wall where some of my favorite pictures of Uganda hang, my heart drops, my throat tightens, my eyes prick. The hot tears swell and before I know it, I am lost in a swirl of emotion. My wish to be there is more than a longing, it is a craving. I crave the thick, moist air. I crave the hot sun. I crave the constant sounds of life. But it is so much more than that. I crave the people. I crave their need, their hurt, and their sorrow. I crave their joy, their happiness, and their hope.
It is complex. But maybe not really.
In Uganda I find the two extremes. I find people living in some of the worst situations one can imagine. People who have seen the faces of starvation, neglect, and death. But it is these same people who live with the greatest joy one can imagine. People who know how to love, praise, and thank God for what He has provided them with in spite of what my own eyes would judge as really nothing much.
If I saw the world through the eyes of my heart, instead of the eyes of my head I think I would see things much clearer. I would be able to see that with indescribable hurt comes indescribably joy. Life is truly a paradox. One wouldn't feel loss after the death of a friend if they had never felt love for that friend as well. Or in my case, I wouldn't feel so homesick after leaving Uganda if I had never felt like I was truly at home there as well.
I can not wait for my return to Uganda. Although June seems so far away I am comforted by the fact that as I am typing this, even now, the time between me and my flight is shortening. There is only something like 135 more days until I leave. The only thing that makes my heart once again hit what feels like the bottom of my stomach is knowing that the sooner my time to leave here and be IN Uganda has come, the sooner my time there will come to an end and I will be sitting in this same spot, longing to be in another country that I have completely fallen in love with. Only the stretch of time that I will be able to return will be even longer then.
My mom tells me to focus on "what is, not what is not".
I am trying.
I know life there will go on and my life here will too.
But I have simply come to this conclusion, I need Africa more then Africa needs me.
